*|~I Remember~|*

I remember when I was a child... Mostly, awful times... Always wishing for some boy to notice me, but I was never pretty or talented enough. The cute girls used to bully me at the Rhythmic Gymnastics group, in which I put so much effort on and I was so devoted to. Always practicing at home or elsewhere so I could be better. Anyhow, I felt like shit internally. They kept on telling me how much I sucked and couldn't compare to them; besides, the teacher herself. Always placing me below the pretty girls. Obviously, my self-esteem was underground. They always made fun of any idea I brought for the choreographies and were such bitches when I complimented them trying to be friends, being hostile and thoughtless.

Then, it came the physical development part; I didn't develop until I was 14. Way later compared to all the other peers. When I started high school, I received multiple humiliations from my classmates. I was the ugly midget with thin body for them (I've always been a skinny girl). Did I like it then? Not at all. I felt like a monster. When a boy came to tell me his friend had a crush on me, I said, "Haha, nice joke!" and left. I was certain that no one saw ANY beauty in me. When I turned 15, my personality gave a 180º turn. I became hostile and let NO ONE cross the line with me. I got fed up of being stepped on. I was agressive and impertinent. I realized the ones who brought me down a couple of years ago, started being afraid of me. It was glory for me since I felt so strong and untouchable. But I wasn't; it was just my defense mechanism. After my development, guys started noticing me more. They were kind of amazed of how much I had changed physically. For that reason I said, "Am I cute?" Everytime I was walking on the streets, men yelled "compliments" -vulgar phrases- and others just looked at me like I was an alien (didn't take their eyes off me and I even got pissed because I thought they were mocking me). So, I started to realize I was attractive to others, at least for some people, even if I didn't see myself in that way.

We humans tend to want to overcome each goal we've achieved. In my case, I didn't get the goal I dreamt for my whole life: Graduating from Vet school. IMO, I failed miserably and my mother wasn't there anymore for guidance... I said to myself, "There has got to be something that seems impossible for me that I can reach... But what?" The frustration and sadness I felt when I left Vet school were crushing; I don't know if someone will ever understand besides my mother and The Supreme. Finally the decision came... To leave or to stay? It was time to accept that I didn't fit there and had to go. With disappointment and grief, I dropped out and started the career my mom use to have. At least in this way, I wouldn't feel her money and effort were thrown away, but that I could honor her following her steps.

Also, I needed to set a new goal and I didn't want to fail this time. I thought about modeling, but then I remembered in my country, it requires plastic surgery in 97% of the cases. I was unlikely to be a model. On the other hand, I was too short for the high fashion field. My chances were slim and I started to get discouraged.

Never talked much about this with anyone, so I'm really airing it all out now with you... I just wanted to focus on my present and sweep under the carpet all of that. But I want to share this story to make the ones who care about ME AS A PERSON, NOT THE MODEL, understand a little better why I entered modeling and what I went through.

When I was a newbie, some "photographers" took advantage of that and made me feel like a worthless object. Like I was raped... I started with the wrong foot and I definitely regret it. Until I met the good professional ones. More and more doors began to open with every shoot I made. Now, I was able to distinguish ethic from morbo. Slowly, I turned my back on my country's dark modeling business since it was not the aim I wanted for my image. I wanted people to see me in a classy way; I wanted to inspire them; therefore, I never did nudity. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Local photographers continued to use you with promises and then went back on their word. I just didn't have a huge rack, so I wasn't that much big of a deal.

In addition, I was being judged by my supposedly "friends", family, and current partner at that time, who was psychologically abusive and manipulative. Made me feel disgusting... I lost many people due to my dream; they all turned their backs on me. It was painful. Why? I was finally beginning to feel beautiful, to have a self-esteem, and to reach my difficult goal for a girl like me... I was sad and angry about it. Guess when you start being successful, people feel intimidated or who knows... Nevertheless, I NEVER felt like the best. As I said, silicone models got all the attention and jobs. I felt my hopes were nonexistent... But little by little, I encountered people with my same mentality. That's when I started accepting myself.

I feel so related to this song because it talks about how people turned their backs on her when she was rising, about how she degraded herself to please others, and about how people who are exposed will always be judged by the ones who do not have that burden. It's easy to criticize, but it's hard as fuck putting yourself on display for the whole world to see; it's harder to take risks of which you're not sure what the outcome will be. I took my risk and reached my objective, even though it was VERY complicated. The song is called "Shit on The Radio (Remember The Days)" by Nelly Furtado:

"You liked me 'til you heard my shit on the radio
Well I hate to say but pop ain't going solo
You liked me 'til you heard my shit on the radio
But now I'm just too mainstream for you, oh no

You liked me 'til you seen me on your TV
Well, if you're so low below then why you watching?
You say good things come to those who wait
I've been waiting a long time for it

Chorus:
I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you
Be less than I was just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away I see you've chosen to stay behind me
Still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself

You say your quest is to bring it higher
Well, I've never seen change without a fire
But from your mouth fire I have seen a lot of burning
But underneath I think it's a lot of yearning
Your face, the colors change from green to yellow
To the point where you can't even say hello
You tell me you'd kill me if I ever snob you out
Like that's what you expect from me, like that's what I'm about

Chorus:
I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you
And be less than I was just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away I see you've chosen to stay behind me
And still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
(Yeah!)

Bridge:
It's so much easier to stay down there guaranteeing you're cool
Than to sit up here exposing myself trying to break through
Than to burn in the spotlight, (Open fire!)
Turn in the spitfire (Open fire!)
Scream without making a sound, (Open fire!)
Be up here without looking down (Open fire!)
(We all afraid of heights)

Chorus:
I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you
And be less than I was just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away I see you've chosen to stay behind me
And now you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
Myself, myself, myself, myself (Now you feeling me? And are you feeling me with?
Now you feeling me, are you feeling me now?
And now you feeling me, are you feeling me now?
Why you gotta be so lonely?) Myself...

(Myself) Why ya hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, (Myself, myself)
Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me? So-whoah... (Myself, myself)
Leave me down down down down low (Myself, myself)
Leave me da da down, down dan dan dan dan dan dan down low! (Myself, myself)
Shit on the radio... (Yeah, yeah, yeah! Myself)
Shit on the radio... (Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah! Myself)
Shit on the radio... (Ye-ye-yeah! Myself)
Shit on the radio! (Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah!)
(My...) Shit on the radio..."



TY for reading!